Words of A wounded warrior

Mon, 07 Sep 2009 23:52:47 GMT

I have fallen into a depression yet again, I am entirely done with this whole cycle. I clearly need to do something to help myself but this time I'm fairly sure it is situational. See, last Tuesday was Drew's last day for nearly a month. When he came to ask me to lunch, I started to get sad, knowing that that was the last time like that for a while. Especiallly after he noticed that he always asks me to lunch and told me I could come ask him too, That night I came home and sent him an e-mail that was just a very diplomatic attempt to say I'd miss him while he was home. Then I sat in the dark and listened to a really sad song and cried for a while til he commented on my FB status, then all troubles were forgotten. Trigger number two this time was the fact that I now have less than three months to figure out a way to stay here or I'll be forced to return to New Hampshire. I'm not sure I could survive that. When I Isolate myself here it's by choice, there I would have very few options to break myself out. I know I'm lucky to have the option to go home again, it just already feels like I have failed. I know that feeling will only increase as the time gets shorter.

Love and a job interview

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 00:46:34 GMT

I want to marry Drew Robarge. Seriously. He's super-cute, smart and funny. He understands me but calls me out when neccesary. Just the thought of him makes me smile. My task however is to turn our friendship into more. No clue how.
In other news I have a job interview tomorrow, doing the same kinds of things I do now. Yikes!

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 23:47:58 GMT

I'm feeling incredibly lonely, wishing I mattered more, that I could safely fall apart and someone would catch me

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 00:57:35 GMT

I suck at posting everyday, the problem is not a lack of things to post about. It's the malestrom brewing in my mind and heart right now is such a black twisted mass of "what the hell" that I can't untangle the strings and articulate the true meaning of my "dark and twisty"-ness. I just don't know

Wherein I spew forth all the things swimming in my head

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 00:49:05 GMT

I am going to try to take this up as a daily (or almost daily) ritual again. I need to get all the things in my head out, or I will very quickly disintergrate into a ball of anxiety and fear, staring at my future and so paralyzed by my insecurities that I'm unable to take any steps to prepare myself for the fall I know is ahead of me if I let my negativity continue to run rampant in my head.

The Metro crash on Monday started me thinking in a very scary but interesting cycle. Every day since, I have been nervous to board my train, and oddly jealous of the people who died, They probably died instantly or were knocked unconscious and so didn't suffer much. I would want to die like that, unsuspecting, my name always linked with a great tragedy. Relax, I'm not suicidal, just very very tired of feeling so out of control, like I'm hanging on to my sanity by a thread.

Part of my problem of late has been having all this external pressures placed on me, adding to the pressure-cooker atmosphere of my own
inner world. I feel like I'm a puppet, only doing what my family wants of me, with no earthly clue what I want. Right now I want to be able to read a weekend day away without feeling intense guilt for not using my time, I just need room to breathe, I feel like I'm suffocating under the weight of all the expectations, most heavy among those, my own.

Is there a travel agent who specializes in separate vacations for the mind and body? I need that kind of vacation so badly right now

Long Time no Post

Sat, 06 Jun 2009 23:45:48 GMT

I've kinda fallen off the LJ wagon. I blame facebook,
Let's see since the last post:
butterflyangels came to visit for a week, It was great to not be alone. We did all kinds of touristy things One of the best nights IMO was when we went to California Pizza Kitchen, then hung out at Borders, then spent the night tearing apart this terribly written book on April, 1865. This night ended with an e-mail to Warder that he hasn't replied to, and that I'm sure he thinks was written by a drunk person.

I've applied for several jobs, had a couple of interviews. No such luck...yet

I have Medicaid finally...took like 20 calls and required me to shed tears....but i have it.

We had a birthday party for my pal Sofia from work it was lots of fun
.
I went home last week for the first time since Christmas. It was great to see everybody. I saw both sets of grandparents, my sister and brother-in-law, mom, dad, step-mom, a bunch of aunts and an uncle on my mom's side, and oh yeah, I got to finally meet and hold Isla! She is so awesomely cuddly and adorable .

On a not as awesome note, I'm on my third day of feeling intensely nauseous, luckliy it hasn't gone beyoind that. I scarfed almost an entire sleeve of saltines hoping it'd go away,no such luck. Blah

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 02:06:38 GMT

I am sucking at life right. My enthusiasm for EVERYTHING (except apparently being miserable) has gone out the window. I've become a really crappy everything (I dump all my crap on my friend's doorstep and she hasn't walked away,) I've become this emotionally needy person who needs her mom to sympathize with her instead of being grateful that my mom has first hand knowledge of ways that I could maybe feel better, so when she gives me any advice based on that experience, I choose to shut her out and get angry like a petulant child. I tell my sisters I miss and love them just so they say it back. (I really do miss and love them, I just feel really guilty knowing that the reason I'm telling them is so selfish)
I DESPERATELY want to feel good. Sometimes though, I wonder if I'm keeping myself unhappy.

Wed, 04 Mar 2009 02:56:44 GMT

OK, I was gonna post another song, but I swear I could have written these:

"I Don't Ever Give Up"
Patty Griffin
I'm no kid in a kid's game
I did what I did, I've got no one to blame
But I don't give up, no, I don't ever give up
It's all I've got, it's my claim to fame

I'm no fighter but I'm fighting
This whole world seems uninviting
But I don't give up, no, I don't ever give up
I fall down sometimes, sometimes I come back flying

Liars are lying, airplanes are flying
Love isn't here, love isn't here
But it's somewhere
Time to forget me, but something won't let me
Love isn't here, love isn't here
But it's somewhere

And I cleaned and I washed up
This dream I don't ever give up
I don't ever give up, I don't ever give up
No, I don't ever give up, no, I don't ever give up
No, I don't ever give up, I don't ever give up
____________
"Free"

I am no longer young, I'm an old man's daughter
We got caught with the sun going down
We spent most of our days adrift on the water
That's how I know my way around
And it's hard to be free
When freedom is just me
And the waves on the terrible sea

I could land with the rest of all the broken down birds
That's where I found my way home
With the rest of the faces on the face of the earth
Facing off with the great unknown
And all the tears that we cry
Is something gone wrong
Is somebody lost
The places long gone

Keep on moving, baby, keep on moving
The wave's coming over your knees
And it's hard to be free
See some things that I see
Be some things that I be
And come all the way, all the way, all the way home again

That is all

I need a job

Wed, 18 Feb 2009 00:22:23 GMT

ASAP, so I can say to "the system" "f**k you goodbye". I am so tired of constantly having to defend myself against accuastions of not being a good little girl and accepting the help that's being offered. Instead I have chosen to remain stubbornly and feriecly independent, sometimes at a cost of my phyiscal and emotional health, and for this I am denied the ability to live free of the worry of saying or doing the wrong things that would make them question me too closely and discover that, horror of horrors I am not the helpless child trapped in a body that refuses to take direction, or a compliant loveable cripple who strives every day to warm their hearts with triumphant tales of obstacles surmounted. I am just ME!

A day for Hope

Tue, 20 Jan 2009 18:46:40 GMT

Today is a day that makes me hopeful. The 44th President has just been sworn in. The speech he grave struck a chord of hope in my heart, as that eloquent man on the platform delivered a stirring speech that echoed with the lessons of history, But despite the historic natural of this event, I am excited not just about my future and that of my country, I am hopeful for the bright future that lies before a baby girl, lying in the comfort of her loving parent's arms, not even 24 hours old. I am sure that her parents will do all they can to provide that beautiful girl all that is needed for her to fulfill the potential that she embodies at this moment, before she has had a chance to experience the complexities of the wider world. The trouble is, the best efforts of her parents maI am not be enough.
This is not an indictment of my sister and her husband. That is just a fact of life in this country. But I am very hopeful that the world thier daughter now inhabits is just a little more ready and able to help her live her dreams. I will do all I can to help her figure out what those dreams are. I love you Baby I

Baby Girl shuttleworth is on her way!!!

Sat, 17 Jan 2009 19:58:02 GMT

My sister's been in active labor since early this morning, I bet by early tomorrow i'll finally get to know what the litttle one's name is!

I can't

Sat, 10 Jan 2009 18:23:01 GMT

I can't do this anymore, I can't stay here, cut off from almost everything and everybody that means anything to me, but I can't go home either. I can't deal with the pressure of needing to find a job, when I feel like such crap, I just can't, everything seems too big, too important. Hell, its after 1 in the afternoon, and I am still in my PJ's I don't plan on getting out of them today either

The demon

Tue, 06 Jan 2009 02:01:52 GMT

In the space between sleep and wakefulness that I inhabit every morning, the place where the sun makes my eyelids look so red, one ight think they were bleeding, I let myself think, hope and sometimes even pray, that today will be a pain-free day. This fierce wishing rarely pays off. If my neck and back aren't screaming before I even pull myself to sitting, I need only wait. Soon enough, the demon pain maker that has made itself so comfortable in my brain will awaken, and spend the remainder of the day taking immense pleasure in causing me such pain.

If the monster is feeling particularly benevolent, the burning ache will be isolated to only one limb, with only minimal feedback from my neck and back. He must be taking pity on me today, as only my right leg is being tortured. This is not to say that the monster's kind days are good ones for me, It seems that he decides to spare me all-over agony, only to up his game in the place that has become his playground for the day. See, I experience these "good" days as an 8-9 on a scale of 1 (almost non-existent) to 10 (horrific) pain, but only in one place. On truly bad days everywhere is affected with the pain staying at about a 7 throughout the day. On a good day, I can rub the place that hurts and pretend it's doing something to lull the demon to sleep. On a bad day, he is too hyper for me to pin him down and put him out of his misery.

So, despite the fact that I long to chew my leg off so the demon goes away for a minute, I count today a good one

Foggy

Wed, 31 Dec 2008 18:44:42 GMT

For the last few days, I've been feeling really really strange. I feel like I'm watching myself through someone else's eyes. like my brain is on slow motion, constantly playing catch up with my body, which is the opposite of how i usually feel, like my body is behind. I'm hoping it's just the stress of traveling and waiting to talk to my neurologist on Friday, the only other reason for this weirdness scares the hell out of me.

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 01:41:57 GMT

As my last act in the virtual world for a little more than a week, I want to say

Merry Christmas
and
Happy New Year!!!!

Sat, 13 Dec 2008 17:00:08 GMT

Lately, I feel like all I do is whine. I hate it, Even when I acknowledge to myself how bad it hurts, and that I should take something, I feel like I should buck up and put up with it, be as brave as I used to be as a kid. I can't anymore, I'm almost hoping they find something, , as long is it involves no more pain

me and my work pals

Wed, 10 Dec 2008 23:33:49 GMT

Me, Sofia (w eyes closed) and Ellen

Fri, 05 Dec 2008 01:16:03 GMT

I've been struggling with this idea for a little more than a week now. I'm fairly certain that my current symptoms (blurry vision, and outright neuropathic pain) are early or not so early symptoms of MS. In fact, if I am given a diagnosis over christmas as I expect will happen, I believe that I will actually be nearly 5 years into the course of the disease. I have always thought that the mysterious virus that I contracted in the spring of freshman year was actually my first attack. I haven't been given a diagnosis yet, and I may be completely off base (God, I hope I am) but my gut is telling me that an admisson to Dartmouth is in my near future. Don't ask me why, thats just what its saying

The last hurdle to conquering my fear of living independently

Sat, 22 Nov 2008 22:05:06 GMT

So, I live in Alexandria Virgina now. That is 10 hours by train or car and 3 hours by plane from where my parents and other family lie. I chose not to hire a PCA when I moved, even though I had one all through college. There are several reasons for this but the two main ones are that I didn't want to take the time to recruit, interview, hire and manage new strangers, and the stuff that they would do is possible for me to do, it just takes me ten times longer than someone else doing it, and the corresponding expenditure of energy, which is often in short supply given that I'm gone all day either on my way to work, at work or on my home from work.( which iI'm sure you all understand) Regardless of all that, I decided to give it a shot withut any help, with the idea of hiring someone if I absolutely couldn't handle it.
So these last 3 months have been a time of trial and error and self education. I have learned that a broom is an excellrent reaching tool for retreving everything from eyeglasses and remotes that have crossed to the dark side of my bed, to rouge bath puffs and shampoo bottles that lay mockingly on the floor of the tub. I've learned that Friday nights are the best time to do laundry and that Tupperware and Ziploc are the best thing since Velcro. Even with all these successes, I have had frequent periods where I seriously doubt my abilty to continue live with no assistance.
Today, I proved to myself that I can live without help. I refilled my pump shampoo bottle. I have never in my life even attempted this task. But I ran out of shampoo in that bottle (I use two differnt shampoos and switch off daily so as not to kill my hair) so I ordered more shampoo to come with this week's groceries, and thought I'd give it a try. The chore involves upending one open bottle over the open pump bottle. So, I put the pump bottle in the sink in the bathroom, and tried to unscrew the cap on the other bottle, only to discover that the cap isn't the kind the kind that comes off. I then decided I could just squeeze the shampoo from the orignal bottle to the pump bottle. It took me about a half hour for the process to be finished and I lost about 1/3 of the shampoo down the drain, but I did it!

Sun, 16 Nov 2008 20:48:03 GMT

OK so since I can't say these things to S , I'll dump them all here

"Just because I can't afford to spend 5 bucks on a tiny burito does NOT mean. I am any less health conscious than you, it just means I have less disposable income than you."

"NO, I CAN'T just go to a grocery store, i live in the middle of nothing."

"And last but not least, what part of "I eat this way, and I'm losing weight." don't you get"?

STOP ACTING SO SUPERIOR

There, i'm done venting

stream of consciousness

Sun, 16 Nov 2008 00:13:02 GMT

I'm still not back to my emotional baseline, but I'm getting there. I actually WANT to read which is an improvement. I've given up on NanoWriMo though, My story was really easy to write but was bringing up memories and stuff that I'm not ready to handle. As soon as i Istarted feeling better emotionally, I started noticing that familiar feelings of bugs under my skin that I haven't felt in nine months. I cannot believe a stupid virus from almost four years ago would decide to make it's presence known at this inoppurtune time. I HATE this unknown monster which will not let me be.

Tue, 11 Nov 2008 00:46:24 GMT

I Seriously don't know what to do.I haven't slept well in weeks. I wake nearly every day wanting to cry. I WANT IT TO STOP!!! I WANT TO FEEL GOOD! i know wishing won' make it so, but i don't know what else to do!

Sun, 09 Nov 2008 17:20:17 GMT

I am in a really bad plave. Ive been clinically depressed for about 3 weeks. Sadness, loss of interest, lethargy no attention span, except until recently, when it came to work, but even that doesn't do it for me now.. My only repreive was the excitment surrounding the election, but as soon as the adrenaline wore off on Wednesday, the horrible weight that sits on my chest took up residence again. I talked to my mom two weeks ago about it, and she was understanding, but now i think she thinks i'm milking it, I SWEAR I'm not, i just don't feel like i'll ever feel well again, i mean i know i will, nut i don't know how much longer i can wait for that eventuality to come

Fri, 31 Oct 2008 00:14:12 GMT

I've had bones broken that didn't hurt as much as this done. where'd my heart go? there's an empty pit where it used to be.. And all because of some stupid girlpicking someone else to live with her. I must be REALLY damaged, if tsome thing that smal can push me in to THIS. This cycle of negative thoughts and feelings, of wondering if i'll ever find happiness, truthfully i've been wondering that for a while, and I've been depressed before, usually it creeps up, like tthe beginnings od a cold, but this time, ot came on like a wave that has kept me under all day, i was able to fight it enueff to work, but as soon i came home, i gave up fighinge, i've been under since. I have come up for air though, courtesy of columbus of all things. And i know what your thinking depressed people don't know they're depressed. If they're experienced in this realm they do.

Ten years

Tue, 21 Oct 2008 00:43:03 GMT

Today marks 10 years since I walked more than 100 feet. I didn't realize that this strange anniversary would affect me as much as it has. For the last week, I've been thinking a lot about that horrific hospitalization and its consequences. I am glad that I had the surgery simply because it saved my hip, but I can't help but think how much my life changed because of it. Prior to October 20, 1998, I fit in. Yes, I used a walker, but I don't think it came to define me in the eyes of others, or shaped my self image in anywhere near the same ways as my chair has. People saw my walker, but then immediately saw me. Today, I can see the wall go up around people immediately when they see the chair. It's as if the bricks are being laid down right before my eyes, preventing the person from ever seeing me. For that matter, I am the most skilled mason when it comes to closing myself away from people I feel are going to react negatively to me. Granted I have self-esteem issues, but I am pretty sure they grew out of constantly being looked down upon, both literally and figuratively. Since childhood, I have had to prove myself worthy of being alive, not to my family (mostly) or to my few true friends. But I feel that everyoe else has jiudged as either deserving of pity or jealousy. The fact that I use probaby one of the most recogniazable symbols of "wrongness" or pity just intensifies this feeling of being under constant scrutinry. Imagine if I still walked. What would be different? Probably not much, and I know looking back and wishing things were different gets me nowhere. But today, I think I'm entitled to play a game of what-if?